Category: Conflict

5 Reasons to Seek Help with Conflict

Posted in Church Chat, Church Consulting, Conflict, Deacon, Leadership, Life Happens, MinistryLeave a comment

In their helpful book Redeeming Church Conflicts: Turning Crisis into Compassion and Care, Tara Klena Barthel and David V. Edling remind us that there are times when it is wise to involve others in the midst of church conflict. Asking for help is not a sign of weakness—it is an act of humility and wisdom. Proverbs 11:14 tells us, “Where there is no guidance, a people falls, but in an abundance of counselors there is safety.”

Here are five reasons why inviting an outside, godly helper can bring clarity and healing when conflict arises.

1. We Have Blind Spots. Conflict clouds our vision. Because we are emotionally invested, we often cannot see clearly. Others, especially those who are impartial, can discern perspectives we may miss. Scripture reminds us, “Every way of a man is right in his own eyes, but the Lord weighs the heart” (Proverbs 21:2). A wise and godly third party can help us see what God sees more clearly.

2. We Forget the Truth. When our hearts are weighed down by burdens, it is easy to lose sight of God’s truth. A faithful helper can gently turn our eyes back to what is good and right. The apostle Paul exhorts us: “Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things” (Philippians 4:8). God often uses the encouragement of others to lift our thoughts back to His promises.

3. Our Fear Is Powerful. Fear can quickly take control when we feel we are losing influence, position, or something we treasure deeply. Fear distorts judgment and feeds division. Yet God’s Word speaks directly to our fear: “For God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control” (2 Timothy 1:7). A wise third party can help calm our fears and point us back to faith in God’s sovereignty.

4. Our Tempers Need Restraint. Anger is a dangerous spark in any conflict. The presence of a neutral mediator can help keep emotions in check and set boundaries for respectful conversation. James writes, “Let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger; for the anger of man does not produce the righteousness of God” (James 1:19–20). Godly counsel provides space for anger to cool and for grace to work.

5. We Need Encouragement. Conflict often leaves us weary, discouraged, and tempted to lose hope. A trusted encourager can remind us that our hope is not in winning an argument but in Christ Himself. “Why are you cast down, O my soul, and why are you in turmoil within me? Hope in God; for I shall again praise Him, my salvation and my God” (Psalm 42:11). Outside help can point us back to the unshakable foundation we have in Jesus.

Closing Thought: Conflict is hard, but it can also be an invitation from the Lord to grow in grace. When we seek wise help, we are walking in humility and trusting God to bring peace where strife once ruled. Remember, “Blessed are the peacemakers, for they shall be called sons of God” (Matthew 5:9).

Prayer: Lord, when conflict comes, remind us that our hope is in You. Give us humility to seek help, courage to face our fears, and faith to trust Your Word. Make us instruments of Your peace, so that Christ may be glorified in His church. Amen.

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5 Promises to My Church

Posted in Church Chat, Church Consulting, Church Revitalization, Conflict, Deacon, Leadership, Life Happens, Ministry, Preaching3 Comments

I love to please people!  All my life, I have wanted people to like me, affirm me, and generally think that I’m wonderful.  As I have matured as a leader and as a pastor, I’ve discovered that I have to sometimes set those desires aside and do the right thing regardless of what other’s think.  My goal MUST NOT be to simply “please people” — my goal must be to help people and please God.  Sometimes I have to set boundaries and tell people “no” in order to help them.  Other times I have to model a new approach and lead people to walk in a more effective, efficient manner.

Sometimes I have to set boundaries and tell people “no” in order to help them.

Everyone seems to have their idea of what their pastor should do and how he should use his time.  Hardly a week goes by, that someone does not pull them aside and share with them their opinion of what their life’s assignment should be.  Most of the time, the assignment is fair and reasonable, but it almost always matches their own personal preferences and desires instead of the desires of the Lord or their pastor.  As the senior pastor, he MUST consider the big picture and keep the entire church body in mind as he leads.  If he simply jumps from personal assignment to personal assignment, he will not lead with vision and God-given direction.

Here are the 5 promises I made to a church during my first sermon as their senior pastor:

  1. I promise to love God.  In order to fulfill this promise, I must be disciplined in my private time with the Lord.  The man who never spends time with God in private is no good in public.
  2. I promise to love my family.  I love to work hard and I love being a pastor (most the time).  Because of this, I have to guard against neglecting my family.  I have asked other staff members to tell me if they see this in my life and I have pledged to tell them if I see it in their lives.
  3. I promise to love you.  I love our church and all our people.  I look forward to serving our Lord together for many years to come.  Keep in mind that all of our pastors love God and love our people as well.
  4. I promise to love the unchurched.  I want to see people come to Christ.  I need to spend more time around lost people.  I need to get out of the office more and into the community.
  5. I promise to preach the Bible.  I have tried my best to focus on God’s Word in my sermons and in my teaching.  It takes time to prepare true, Biblical sermons, but it is worth all the hard work and extra effort.  Currently, I set aside Tuesday and Wednesday as my main study days.  Occasionally, I will schedule an appointment or meeting on those days, but I try to devote those days to preparation for preaching and teaching the Bible.

I also went on to say the following to them:

As we move forward, I pledge to always be open to suggestions and ideas.  My default of wanting to please people will always be there, I’m sure.  But, I promise when I’m faced with the choice of “simply pleasing someone” or “providing Godly leadership,” I will strive to choose providing Godly leadership every time.

If you are a pastor, hang in there! God is good and worthy of our service. If you are a church member, pray for your pastor. Encourage him. Be a blessing and serve God faithfully!

Learning from a Pig

Posted in Church Chat, Conflict, Funny, Leadership, Life HappensLeave a comment

PigThe Hatfield and McCoy feud started over ownership of one lone pig. In the late 1800’s it was common for Eastern Kentuckians to turn their swine loose to forage freely until time to round them up for slaughter. Each porker sported a distinctive family “brand” that identified him as a “Jones, McCoy, Hatfield, Rice, etc.” The long-lasting feud began because one family believed the other family had killed and eaten one of their pigs.

For an entire decade I had the privilege of pastoring smack-dab in the middle of the feud area with several Hatfields and McCoys as active members of my church. The thing that many do not understand about “The Feud” is that it lasted for many years. The hatred and bitterness brewed with killings happening after long periods of dormant feud activity.

…or you might find yourself feudin’ over pig’s feet!

The Bible instructs us not to let little things brew and fester. Matthew 18:15 says, “If your brother sins against you, go and show him his fault, just between the two of you.” Don’t let things build up over time or you might find yourself “feudin’ over pig’s feet” (Interpretation: fighting over insignificant matters.)

    5 Mistakes During Conflict

    Posted in Book Reviews, Church Chat, Church Consulting, Conflict, Deacon, Discipleship, Leadership, Ministry, PreachingLeave a comment

    We are increasingly seeing conflict in society in general and in our local churches specifically. In their book entitled Redeeming Church Conflicts: Turning Crisis into Compassion and Care, Tara Klena Barthel and David V. Edling did a great job defining conflict and uncovering what the Bible says we should do when conflict arises. In the first chapter, they shared five mistakes that most people make when conflict happens. These mistakes are the beginning of a tragic downward spiral.

    5 Mistakes People Make During Conflict

    1. We think OUR evaluation of the situation is always right. I’ve made this mistake and you have as well. It’s easy and natural to do, but it’s not best to do. In order to resolve conflict, we must be open to listen to the “other side” and be willing to consider that we are not totally right on the issue.

    2. We treat people differently than God treats US. God treats us with love and grace. He forgives us when we don’t deserve it. During conflict, we often treat the other person with contempt and disrespect which leads us to disdain their perspective.

    3. We assume that God is on OUR side. Although we may accept that those on the other side of the conflict are believers, we believe that we uniquely have God’s attention, care, and blessing more than our opponents do.

    4. We become DEFENSIVE. As soon as we become defensive, we become closed and narrow. We believe that God takes our side on the issue and condemns those on the other side of the conflict in the same way that we do.

    5. We are marked by PRIDE and selfishness. These characteristics are not from the Lord. Instead, Christ wants us to be marked by humility and love which leads toward reconciliation.

    Conflict is a normal part of life. No one is exempt! But, as believers, God calls us to respond differently than the world and to DO OUR BEST to resolve the conflict.

    If it is possible, as much as depends on you, live peaceably with all men. Romans 12:18 (NKJV)

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    The Dream Church

    Posted in Church Chat, Church Consulting, Church Revitalization, Conflict, Deacon, Discipleship, Evangelism, Leadership, Ministry, Preaching, WorshipLeave a comment

    I love serving and helping our Kentucky Baptist Convention churches. I’ve been privileged to serve Kentucky Baptist churches for 36 years with 28 years in the local church and 8 years on the KBC staff. I have hope for the future of Kentucky Baptist churches. In this post, I’m going to dream about where our KBC churches are going by asking the question “what if”.

    What if we could create places where every person began to discover his or her place and purpose in God’s great big world? Imagine! What if our churches were places where people could be “real” and relationships could go well beneath the surface? Imagine!  What if our churches were places where “second chances” really existed? Imagine! What if you found a place that helped you to be the person God created you to be in one of our churches?  Imagine!

    What if? Isn’t that a great question? What if? Imagine…I think I will!…I imagine our KBC churches to be places of diversity where people from all walks of life can find acceptance and fulfillment. I imagine our churches to be a people who are not afraid to believe God for the impossible. I imagine our churches to be a people who embrace the future without forgetting the past. I imagine our churches to be churches who value one’s service over one’s standing. I imagine our churches to be places where people encounter Jesus on a weekly basis and experience real life-change as result.

    I believe we are doing well in many of these areas. I commend our churches, their pastors, and their leaders. But, as in all areas of life, we can make improvements. Let’s continue to be open to the leadership of the Holy Spirit, continue to turn our focus to Christ, and continue to seek improvement and excellence for God’s ultimate glory!