Category: Funny

Churches & Car Dealerships

Posted in Assimilation, Church Chat, Church Revitalization, Evangelism, Funny, Ministry, Preaching, Worship1 Comment

Car Salesman

Is there anything in life more frustrating than buying a car? Last week my wife and I attempted to replace one of our vehicles. It seems that every time I step on a car lot it tests my Christianity–that day was no exception. At one point during the “trial,” while the manager was making a dramatic last-ditch effort to make a sale, I wanted to ask “do I have the word stupid tattooed on my forehead or something?” I kept my cool, but I sent him back to his secret manager’s lair without a sale.

Don’t misunderstand, I realize dealerships are in the business to make money and salesmen are just trying to earn a living. I don’t fault them for that, but the truth is, buying a car is about as much fun as having your fingernails pulled out with a pair of needle-nosed plyers. Through the years, I have owned various brands: Chevrolet, Ford, Chrysler, Honda, Toyota, Nissan, and Mazda, but my experience was usually the same. I believe both car dealerships and churches might benefit from some of the things I wanted to say to the dealership that day:

  • I’m not the scarecrow in the Wizard of Oz. Believe it or not, I actually have a brain. I’ve done some reading and research in my life. I can think, evaluate, and make decisions. Don’t talk down to me.
  • Give me some space. Sometimes I like to window-shop a little before being bombarded with the “sales pitch.” I expect a “sales pitch” and I’m ok with that, but just give me some space first. Let me just “kick the tires” for a while. If I really like them, I will buy them from you and a car to go with them!
  • Be honest with me. We all know the stereotype that car salesmen are dishonest. In many cases, they probably earned that reputation. The church is sometimes viewed the same way, so honesty is paramount to me.
  • Don’t play games and don’t play me. There’s nothing I hate much more than “being played.” Almost everyone I know feels the same way. Car dealerships, churches, salesmen, and preachers should be transparent and genuine.
  • Give me the facts and give them to me fast. How long can it possibly take to calculate the value of my trade-in? I looked up the Kelly Blue Book price on the internet in 5 minutes before I left the house! Don’t go on and on–it won’t change the facts. Give me the facts and I’ll make a decision.
  • Sell, but don’t oversell. I came expecting a sell, but don’t go overboard or you will turn me off for sure.

Boy oh boy…..I feel so much better now that I got that off my chest. Thanks for allowing me to vent. Let me end with this question, “how often does an unchurched person want to make these same statements to us after he visits one of our churches?”

Putting Your Best Foot Forward

Posted in Assimilation, Funny, Life HappensLeave a comment

lexington-ky-hotel-location-topLast week, two members of the Kentucky Baptist Convention Church Consulting & Revitalization Team and I spent part of the day in Lexington, Kentucky touring the Downtown Lexington Hilton hotel for a future event we are planning. Throughout the day, I observed the hotel staff members utilize many basic, but impressive welcoming principles that can and should be applied to the church. See if you can pick up a couple of things from this post that can help in your setting.

The hotel did a good job of putting their best foot forward. We had an appointment with the Convention Services Manager, Emily Dowd, but she was tied up on a telephone call when we arrived.  Instead of making us wait, she sent another manager to greet us and make us feel welcome until she could break away from her call. When she arrived, she welcomed us and offered us coffee or a soft drink. Throughout our visit, she was helpful, ready to listen, and extremely knowledgeable about her facility. As we randomly ran into other hotel staff members throughout our visit, they smiled and said hello. Some even asked if they could help in some way. Mrs. Dowd invited us to join her for lunch in the hotel restaurant and made sure that we received a validated parking pass as we were leaving.

Here are some basic welcoming principles that impressed me from the day. I believe all of them apply to the church setting as well….

  • Be on time. Although we had an appointment, our appointment was simply for the “late morning.”  As a result of not setting a precise time of arrival, Mrs. Dowd could not help that she was tied up on the phone when we arrived.  Knowing the importance of being on time, she was courteous and asked another manager to “fill in” until she arrived.
  • Be prepared. We were there to get information and to make relational connections. Although, we did not expect the managers to know everything about their facility, we did expect them to know most things. We expected them to be organized and prepared for our visit–we were not disappointed!
  • Be nice. Everyone provided a warm handshake, a friendly smile, eye contact, and good manners! They acted as if they were truly glad we were there and honored we were utilizing their facility.
  • Be real. A mechanical “sales pitch” is obvious. It was nice to meet real people who were working at a real jobs. It caught my attention that everyone seemed very genuine.
  • Be flexible. Throughout the visit, we ran into a hotel staff member who is in charge of Audio/Visual. Although we had not planned to do so, we spent several minutes talking with him about new audio/visual improvements in the hotel. Mrs. Dowd was very patient and flexible throughout our visit.
  • Be thorough. When we’ve held events in that hotel in the past, the staff always sends a very nice thank you note or letter that conveys their appreciation. It’s a small gesture, but little things make a BIG difference.

Surely, if the business world can do such a good job of welcoming people simply for the purpose of their business, the church can do a good job of welcoming people for the purpose of God’s business. Keep striving to put your best foot forward!

For more help in this area, please see the following posts:

Lessons from the Ark

Posted in Church Chat, Discipleship, Funny, Life Happens, Preaching1 Comment

Someone recently sent me an email about Noah’s Ark.  As a preacher, it caused me to think of several sermon ideas I missed over the years.  Read over the following “Lessons from the Ark” for yourself and see if you find them as helpful as I do.

Everything I need to know, I learned from Noah’s Ark . . .

  1. Don’t miss the boat.
  2. Remember that we are all in the same boat.
  3. Plan ahead. It wasn’t raining when Noah built the Ark.
  4. Stay fit. When you’re 600 years old, someone may ask you to do something really big.
  5. Don’t listen to critics; just get on with the job that needs to be done.
  6. Build your future on high ground.
  7. For safety’s sake, travel in pairs.
  8. Speed isn’t always an advantage. The snails were on board with the cheetahs.
  9. When you’re stressed, float a while.
  10. Remember, the Ark was built by amateurs; the Titanic by professionals.
  11. No matter the storm, when you are with God, there’s always a rainbow waiting.

I want to thank my email friend for the sermon ideas and the “kernels” of wisdom.  I hope they help you as they have me.

“Hot Topics”

Posted in Funny2 Comments

Through the summer I’m opening up a can of  worms at Shelbyville First Baptist Church! I’m wading in waters where I might just drown! I’m going out on a limb!  I’m biting off more than I can chew! I’m waking up several sleeping dogs! I’m swimming with the sharks! I’m taking a stick and hitting a hornet’s nest. For the entire summer, I’m going where very few preachers will dare go!

On Sunday, June 5, I will begin a sermon series called HOT TOPICS! I will address some of the most difficult and sensitive questions in life today. Here’s the list:

  • June 5: What Does the Bible Say about Homosexuality?
  • June 12: Is Laziness a Sin?
  • June 19: Is Sex a Four-letter Word?
  • June 26: Can a Christian Be Divorced?
  • July 10: Is Osama Bin Laden in Hell?
  • July 17: Is Abortion Always Wrong?
  • July 24: Is It a Sin to Be Rich?
  • July 31: What Music Is Real “Christian” Music?
  • August 7: Are We Prejudiced in Shelbyville?
See what I mean? I’m not sure if I’m really thinking straight, but we’re going to just go for it. We’re going to cut to the chase, shoot straight, get down to brass tacks, hit the nail on the head which may go over like a lead balloon. You may be able to say a lot of things about your pastor at the end of the series, but you WILL NOT be able to say that he is unwilling to tackle difficult subjects. Please use this series of sermons to invite your family and friends to church. Give them one of the Hot Topics Invite Card….who knows, they might just come.

Fights and Quarrels in the Church

Posted in Church Chat, Discipleship, Funny, Life Happens2 Comments

“What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don’t they come from your desires that battle within you? You want something but don’t get it. You kill and covet, but you cannot have what you want. You quarrel and fight. You do not have, because you do not ask God. When you ask, you do not receive, because you ask with wrong motives, that you may spend what you get on your pleasures.This week I’ve been reading from the New Testament written by James, the brother of Jesus.  In the passage above, James asks the question, “What causes fights and quarrels among you?”  Then he answers his own question by saying, “Don’t they come from your desires that battle within you?”  James 4:1-3, NIV

This week I have been reading the New Testament book written by James, the brother of Jesus.  I love his letter written “To the twelve tribes scattered among the nations” (James 1:1) because it is very practical and very direct.  We need more preaching and teaching like that today.

In the above passage (4:1-3), James identifies the source of most “fights and quarrels” in the church–they derive from our selfish, personal desires.  The greek word for the term “desires” is the source of the word “hedonism.”  Dictionary.com defines “hedonism” as “the doctrine that pleasure or happiness is the highest good.”

We live in a day when many believe that the church exists to serve them, to entertain them, and to make them happy, but actually the opposite is true.  The Church does not exist to serve us; as Christians, we exist to serve the Church. 

May the Lord help every believer in every Christ-honoring church to set aside his or her personal desires for the church to pursue the desires that the Lord has for His church!  May it begin in me.